Cookery and Dining in Imperial Rome

Cook sayeth: 'Go over there, boy! Fetch me from the kitchen that slaughtering-knife. I'm just itching to give this porker a blood-bath!' "Mr. Porker, realizing that this is the season when cabbage sprouts are abundant, and visualizing himself potted and peppered, and furthermore seeing that death is inevitable, asks for time and begs of the cook whether it was possible to make a will. This granted, he calls out with a loud voice to his parents to save for them the food that was to have been his own in the future, to wit: "To my father, Mr. Genuine Bacon-Fat, appointed by me in my last will I give and bequeath: thirty measures of acorns; and to my mother, Mrs. Old-Timer Sow, appointed by me in my last will, I give and bequeath: forty measures of Spartan wheat; and to my sister, Cry-Baby, appointed by me in my last will, whose wedding, alas! I cannot attend, I give and bequeath: thirty measures of barley; and of my nobler parts and property I give and bequeath, to the cobbler: my bristles; to the brawlers, my jaw-bones; to the deaf, my ears; to the shyster lawyers, my tongue; to the cow-herds, my intestines; to the sausage makers, my thighs; to the ladies, my tenderloins; to the boys, my bladder; to the girls, my little pig's tail; to the dancers, my muscles; to the runners and hunters, my knuckles; to the hired man, my hoofs; and to the cook--though not to be named--I give and bequeath and transmit my belly and appendage which I have dragged with me from the rotten oak bottoms to the pig's sty, for him to tie around his neck and to hang himself with. "I wish to erect a monument to myself, inscribed with golden letters: 'M. Grunter Corocotta Porker lived nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine years, and had he lived another half year, a thousand years would have been nearly completed.' "I ask of you who love me best, you who live like me, I ask you: will not my name remain to be eulogized in all eternity? if you only